yesterday, on my flight back to chicago from atlanta, i was mysteriously bumped to first class, for no reason at all that i could ascertain.
it was truly, TRULY, the most magical experience i’ve had, ever, in my life. i’m gonna find me a rich hubby so i can only ever ride first class again.
i don’t need “has an impressive art collection” money, i don’t need “targeted by wine forgers” money, i don’t even need “sets up a scholarship at a local college” money.
i just want that FIRST CLASS ONLY money.
first class EVEN ON INTERNATIONAL FLIGHTS money.
“your dad called you ‘sport’ while you were both standing on a tennis court at the maidstone club” money.
first of all, they didn’t tell me that they had bumped me, i just happened to glance down at my ticket and notice my seat had changed from 8D to 1A.
1A!
that’s the VERY FIRST SEAT ON THE WHOLE PLANE!!
i didn’t notice until i had already boarded, and i was in that weird part of the front of the plane where the flight attendants, like, cook your food and also sleep? i was so surprised i held my phone out to the stewardess and was like, “uh…. is this…… is this my seat? this 1A? is there a different, economy 1A?”
she frowned at me. “….no,” she said. “there’s just the one 1A.”
“so–this is my seat? this one right here? this one labeled 1A with seventeen miles of legroom and like a little mini cup holder and gentle pads on the seatbelt so it doesn’t dig into your skin?”
“that’s your seat.”
“but–this one?”
“yes.”
because i didn’t have a seat in front of me (!!!!!!!!), there wasn’t anywhere for me to store my purse. without me even twitching toward it, a strapping flight attendant in a jaunty hat swooped in and lifted it from my arms, stowing it neatly in the overhead bin.
folks, HE HAD TO JOSTLE IT, TO GET IT TO FIT, and not a WORD WAS SPOKEN!! he just accepted that i, A Lady of First Class Standing, had a LOT OF STUFF and was DISINCLINED TO CHECK A BAG. so we’d make it fit! why wouldn’t we!!! THERE’S TONS OF ROOM IN THE FIRST CLASS OVERHEAD COMPARTMENT.
he TURNED IT.
the bag was stored HORIZONTALLY.
THAT’S HOW MUCH EXTRA ROOM THERE IS!!!
i could have brought a whole ass duffle bag and nobody would have blinked an eye and THAT’S what freedom is. that, and nothing else.
i sat down in my seat, still very convinced that at any minute someone was going to come by and tell me that there had been a mixup, and i belonged in 8D, and i needed to gate-check my bag and never darken the doorstep of first class again.
but NO ONE DID. THEY LET ME SIT THERE.
they let me sit there THE WHOLE FLIGHT.
before we even took off, a flight attendant came by and asked if i wanted wine, coffee, water, or champagne.
C H A M P A G N E.
i took some wine, because of course i took some wine. a nice lady in a pencil skirt offers you free wine while you’re sitting with your legs FULLY kicked up, seat reclined almost all the way to the goddamn ground, you take it. you take the wine!!! why wouldn’t you!!! this is as good as being in, on, or near planes is ever gonna get!!!
when she brought it to me, she showed me where i could put it in its own little cupholder, separate from the tray table, during takeoff, so that i would not spill the wine on myself. “we only had a couple bottles left, but i put one aside for you,” she told me, and winked, like we were in cahoots.
WHEN YOU FLY FIRST CLASS THEY LET YOU BE IN WINE-RELATED CAHOOTS.
when you fly economy you have to wait 42 years for them to come around with half a bag of spare pretzels, which they give to you alongside a glare that says “i don’t know u but i DO know that i dislike you on a personal and professional level,” which is fair, because people flying in economy–myself included–are never at our best. we’re all having the longest, worst days of our lives. we deserve to be disliked by the flight attendants.
you know who’s NOT having the worst day of their life?
that’s right!!!!!
people flying first class!!!!
about, hmmmm, 5 seconds after we reached cruising altitude, a man appeared from literally nowhere with this huge basket of food–like the kind you give to pregnant ladies, like a FULL edible arrangement–and just stood next to my seat and said i could take whatever i wanted.
WHATEVER I WANTED.
folks, this basket was full of FRESH FRUIT and OREO COOKIES. there were CHOCOLATES. there were SOFT PRETZELS. i think i found a wad of cash just chillin behind a tiny pot of caviar.
i need you to know that i’m dead serious about it being fresh fruit and oreos.
i’m kidding about the cash and the caviar but it’s important to me that you understand what this basket was like.
i stared at him.
“from this basket?” i asked.
“yes, of course.”
“is it–how much does everything cost?”
“it’s free.”
“it’s frEE?”
folks, i took one of everything.