hello friends! it's me, your old pal molls ofgeo. i know a lot of you have heard about "the rock clock," and wondered, is it for me? well, no fear!! i am here to answer all your questions to help you decide.
what is “the rock clock”?
you know that tumblr post that’s like “imagine a world where everything is the same except dwayne the rock johnson is an unquestioned part of your friend group”? the rock clock is that world. in the rock clock world, you live with dwayne the rock johnson, and every morning it is his job to wake you up before he heads off to the gym to Be Excellent. your roommate, DTRJ, also wants you to Be Excellent, but he knows it’s a little harder for you than for him, since he bench presses Excellence 50 times before breakfast while you’re still army-crawling toward the kitchen for coffee. to help you along, DTRJ sings you a little song he wrote himself about how you’re gonna kick today’s butt. while you slowly put on your human form, free-climbing from blissful sleep into the hellish reality of having to Get Up and Pay Bills and Vacuum Your House and Contribute To Society, DTRJ talks to you about how you’re gonna kill it today and he’s also gonna kill it, but with a lime green water bottle.
i’m a deep sleeper. will “the rock clock” really wake me up?
i personally believe–and i think that science will back me up on this, once a few years have passed and we start to get some literature on the matter–that the rock clock could be used to wake king arthur in avalon. had rip van winkle had access to the rock clock, he would have used those 20 years for kickin’ butt, not snoozing. snow white definitely wouldn’t have had to wait for some rando on horseback. poisoned apples?? lmao the rock clock doesn’t care WHAT you were drinking last night, snow white, you messy ish. it’s a new day!!! the best way to deal with a hangover is to face it head on!!! let’s go get smoothies!!!
so… it’s just an alarm clock?
just? “”“just”””?????? ok, wow, clearly you weren’t reading that whole masterpiece about Your New Roommate Dwayne The Rock Johnson, pal. you have the opportunity to wake up to THE ROCK telling you that you are SUNSHINE!!! and to GET AFTER IT!!! what is “it”?? who knows. the world. your life. that bus. a dog that got off its leash.
the rock clock also allows you to set a goal that dwayne the rock johnson will help you accomplish by helping you get out of bed. for example, my goal is to finally finish the gd book outline i’ve been looking at and not touching for nigh on a year, and also, to run a half marathon. you know what dwayne the rock johnson said to me this morning to help me accomplish that? he said, “get out of bed. i’m driving a pick-up truck.” AND HE WAS RIGHT!!
does dwayne “the rock” johnson really care about me and my goals?
of course he does. look at him:
lookit that dog!!! you and i are the dog, and the rock is the rock. he’s gonna carry us as far as he can and then we’re gonna have to toddle along on our own.
are you being paid to talk this much about the rock clock?
the rock clock is free, and also, how dare you. i’d never accept money to endorse things.*
*yes i would, call me immediately apple.com
is this post a joke?
no. i genuinely fucking love the rock clock.
what’s your favorite feature of the rock clock?
well, i’ll tell you. BESIDES the short video that comes directly from DTRJ’s mouth to my eyeballs every morning, the incredible selection of RINGTONES is a real boon for this app. for example:
in “good morning sunshine,” DTRJ calls me both, “sunshine,” and also, a “candy ass."
in “battle cat,” cats wage war on one another, rhythmically.
in “classic alarm,” DTRJ says, “beep beep!!” at me repeatedly with increasing intensity. “i can do this all morning,” says DTRJ, exactly like my mother used to when i refused to get up and face being in the 6th grade.
in “harpsmash,” DTRJ and i listen to pleasant harp music until DTRJ gets sick of it and smashes the harp.
in “iron paradise,” DTRJ remixed some kind of electropop gym jam, my personal favorite musical genre. a “gym jam,” is a “jam,” recorded in a “gym.” in this one, DTRJ reminds me that, “YOU GOT THIS,” as i lift my eyelids the way he lifts 400lbs barbells.
in “ring ring,” DTRJ repeats, “ring ring,” over and over again until i pick up the phone.
in “let’s ride,” DTRJ does that vroom-vroom thing on his motorbike until i hop on the back. where are we going??? i don’t know, but i’m onboard. let me just change out of my jimjams, dwayne.