for a long time, i have suspected that i am a witch. there are lots of reasons why this is not out of the question--first, my aunt is a witch, like with a wand and everything, which, i’m not a magical geneticist or anything, but surely that must mean there’s some kind of genetic predisposition for witchery in my DNA. and second, i’m pretty sure that i can see the future, because i’m very convinced i’m going to die of appendicitis.
not like, right now, but someday. i know what you’re all thinking: it’s very easy not to die of appendicitis! just go to the doctor! and you’re right, which means if i DO die of appendicitis, then it turns out i was right and i’m a witch.
ANYWAY, all of this is to say: today jack “MF” johnson signed with the pittsburgh penguins and i’m like 85% sure it’s my doing.
EVIDENCE:
sometimes when i want something really really badly, and focus all my desire on it, like wanting a friend to flake out on me so i don’t have to leave my house, it magically comes true. i assume this means that i am subliminally influencing them. you know, like a witch does.
i love JMFJ with a purity and intensity of spirit that is, honestly, almost alarming.
i have often closed my eyes and wished really, really hard that JMFJ would be a penguin, despite the fact that, under various conditions, JMFJ has not, in fact, been very, uh ..... good.
do i care about this?
i do not.
w h y on earth else would pittsburgh pay JMFJ $3.25 million american dollars per year for five years????
why else, unless my many years of wanting it REAL BAD finally worked their magic on jim rutherford & he did this for me, personally, as a gift?
now, for all of y'all about to @ me with like, “oh, but molly, why would you do this to us? JMFJ was benched for all 6 CBJ playoff games, he only had 10 points last year, plus/minus blah de blah de blah de blah,” my response to you is simple: i d g a f!!!!!
this is the best & funniest thing that has ever happened to me, and i literally do not care if me and sidney crosby are the only ones having a good day about it.
also, unrelatedly, when i was like ten i’m PRETTY SURE i moved a car with my mind. that has nothing to do with JMFJ becoming a penguin it’s just something i feel like i should cop to, since we’re talking about me being a witch.
finally, and this is crucial: there is literally no other explanation that makes sense. as the very wise sherlock holmes once said: “when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must [mean that molly's a witch].”
forget everything else i've ever said: i love free agency.