in anticipation of the huge waves of traffic i am expecting at this website, i'm going to go ahead and answer some of the burning questions i'm sure you all have.
why did you make a website?
why not? listen chicken, death comes for everybody.
what value will this add to my life?
well, i'll be in it more, for one thing. for another, uh... well... that's your own personal journey.
what's with the trashbag donuts thing?
did you ever fess up to the porn prison thing?
no.
will you ever?
probably not.
are all your stories true?
yes, but they are also true as i remember them, so some details may be different. also, any time there is dialogue you can go ahead and assume that i'm not actually quoting someone word for word. again, they're written to the best of my memory.
so you're a liar?
art is a lie. nothing is real.
will you write a book of all your stories so i can buy it?
yes! i am trying. i swear to god i am trying.
what ever happened to the blue line?
i finished the first draft! then i got bored and now it's just idling away on my computer. i'm sorry. everything costs money and everyone you love will disappoint you, including me.
can we be friends?
yeah, of course! we're already friends. my default setting is that dog dug from the movie up so you can just assume that i'm hiding under your porch because i love you.
can i send you a gift?
it is really, really nice that you want to give me a gift. but probably not. i made the mistake of partly majoring in anthropology in college and they made me read that book, the gift, by marcel mauss? and now every time a stranger on the internet wants to send me a gift i'm thrown into paroxysms of terror that i'll never be able to repay the social debt. it's a whole thing. We're All Just Neurotic People Doing Our Best.
are you dating anybody?
hahahaha, jk. nobody ever asks me this.
what do you do for a job?
i sell pieces of my ancestors' jewelry to maintain a lavish lifestyle in a rent-controlled suite that has been in my family since the 1920s.
seriously?!
not at all. i live in a tiny studio with air conditioning that only sort of works.
do you think you're funny?
look, if you don't laugh at your own jokes why should you expect anyone else to?
can i ask you for some advice about something?
i'm experiencing some intense mental or emotional problems right now. can i talk to you about them?
i would be happy to listen, but i want all of you to know up front that i am not a doctor, and my advice is almost 100% of the time going to be, "go to a doctor." the only thing i will be able to do for you is listen to you, care about you, and send you immediately to someone who can help.
why do you insist on talking about hockey all the time?
i believe in the power of "Talk About Thing Until The People Around You Give In To Your Desire And Love The Thing."
so i can make you love the Thing i love?
i believe in the power of "Talk About Thing Until The People Around You Give In To Your Desire And Love The Thing" for everyone but me. i am impervious.
what is the most important thing you want to say in this post?
i love all you beautiful weirdos.