how to: pack for a family reunion
good news: your family has to love you no matter what.
1. DEFINITELY wait until the very last minute to do everything, including putting your new insurance card in you car which is parked basically in INDIANA, taking out your trash and all your recycling, cleaning your apartment, mending a skirt, scrubbing at dishes that still have food on them because, inexplicably, you didn’t rinse them before putting them in the dishwasher, what were you thinking???? c’mon, man. this is rookie stuff. 2. meticulously plan out exactly the right amount of clothing that you need and then decide, on a whim, to bring 4 extra dresses of various levels of fancy. why??? who knows. you won’t wear them. at no point will you need a pantsuit. why do you even own a pantsuit? when did you BUY a pantsuit? WHERE DID THIS PANTSUIT COME FROM????? 3. be aggressively torn between packing all your nicest shit to show your family how grown up and independent you are and packing absolute garbage because lol, it’s just your family, who cares what they think about your clothes, they have to love you regardless. “wow that’s definitely cloth you have on your body,” someone can say, and you can snarl back, “WHAT WOULD RATHER I WEAR, A PANTSUIT????” while food crumbs fall out of your mouth and you eat cake with your bare hands. 4. seriously where the fuck did you get that pantsuit??? 5. finish your mending job. “how the hell did i get blood on this skirt???” you ask yourself when you’re finished, before realizing that due to your skill with a needle your completely porous hands can now double as pasta drainers. 6. soak your skirt in the sink, bc blood totally comes out of clothes if you catch it early enough, and you’re FOR SURE gonna wear that skirt on the plane tomorrow. 7. run to your car. it’s raining. find rainboots in your car. what are the odds. 8. hang your skirt out to dry. declare, “SEE? I’M DOMESTIC,” to your empty apartment. feel the dishes soaking in your sink judging you. “lol yeah ok,” says that spoon you gave up on earlier. “sure.” 9. realize you haven’t packed any underwear. go on victoria’s secret and put 17 new pairs of underwear in your shopping cart, become abruptly enraged with the whole concept of victoria’s secret, close your browser, instantly regret losing everything in your basket, buy nothing, realize you still haven’t packed any underwear. pack twice as much as you’ll need. 10. do all of this just a teensy tiny itty bitty bit drunk.