YOU CAN’T FIT 12 COPS IN A VW BUG, JAMES B!!!
STOP TELLING ME THAT YOU WENT 125 MILES PER HOUR ON YOUR BIKE!!!!!!!!
sorry everybody sorry sorry, but i'm having this rAGE SPIRAL right now because FACEBOOK doesn't let us just LOSE TOUCH WITH PEOPLE we weren't meant to stay close with so today i was REMINDED OF SOMETHING THAT I'M STILL FURIOUS ABOUT AND WILL ALWAYS BE FURIOUS ABOUT, which is this kid in my high school named JAMES B who i took driver's ed with who used to do this THING where he would ONE UP the fucking INSTRUCTOR every time he told a story meant to horrify us into being good drivers. and like the THING IS, okay, the tHING IS, I GET IT. we ALL EXAGGERATE for DRAMATIC EFFECT. that's fINE. but you have to be COOL ABOUT IT, JAMES B. YOU HAVE TO STAY PLAUSIBLE. OTHERWISE WHAT YOU ARE TELLING IS NOT AN EMBELLISHMENT, IT IS A LIE.
SOME REAL EXAMPLES OF THINGS HE REALLY, HONEST TO GOD, SAID TO ME. TO MY FACE:
1. "one time i was on the street and a car drove past me through a neighborhood going 121 miles per hour."
no, you didn't.
"ummm yes i did i was there i think i'd KNOW, MOLLYHALL."
okay, how did you know that they were going 121 miles per hour?
HOW did you kNOW they were GOING 121 MILES PER HOUR? that's a very eXACT NUMBER, james b. that's SO EXACT that i wouldn't even necessarily know it by LOOKING AT MY SPEEDOMETER, since it GOES BY FIVES. so how. did you know. they were going. 121 miles per hour???
"i just did."
were you going 121 miles per hour on your BICYCLE, JAMES B??? IS THAT HOW YOU KNEW??? "I WAS GOING 121 MPH AND THIS CAR IS GOING AS FAST AS ME, SO THEREFORE THAT CAR IS GOING 121 MPH"????
NO, YOU WERE NOT, BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T GO THAT FAST IF YOU WERE GOING VERTICALLY DOWN A CLIFF FACE!!!!!!!
AND EVEN IF--EVEN IF!!!!--YOU SOMEHOW BECAME THE NEW LANCE ARMSTRONG OF HIGH SCHOOL BICYCLE RIDERS, IS THERE A SPEEDOMETER ON YOUR SUPER BIKE SO THAT YOU WOULD KNOW HOW FAST YOU WERE GOING?????
NO!!! THERE ISN'T!!!!!!
"look, mollyhall, you weren't there--"
YOU DID NOT SEE A CAR GO 121 MPH THROUGH A NEIGHBORHOOD!!!!!!!!!
2. "ONE TIME when i was RIDING MY BIKE i saw 12 COPS GET OUT OF A VW BUG after pulling over a honda." no you didn't!!!!!!!! james b. no you did not. you did not see 12 cops get out of a vw bug!!!!! 12 cops would not FIT into a vw bug if you FUCKING VACUUM PACKED THEM.
12 cops would not fit into a vw bug if they were all LITERAL BABIES and you UTILIZED TRUNK SPACE AND THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT.
12 cops would not fit into a vw bug if you STARVED THEM FOR 2 WEEKS and then STACKED THEM TOGETHER LIKE TETRIS PIECES.
I KNOW THIS BECAUSE I FUCKING DRIVE A VW BUG, JAMES B, AND IT BARELY FITS ME AND ONE OTHER ADULT PASSENGER SO DON'T FUCKING INSIST THAT YOU SAW TWELVE FUCKING POLICE OFFICERS GET OUT OF ONE.
SAY IT WAS TWO COPS. SAY IT WAS TWO COPS AND I'LL DROP IT.
"no it was 12 cops" "i saw it from my bike"
SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP NO YOU DIDN'T I HATE YOU GOD AT YOUR FUNERAL I AM GOING TO FUCKING BURST THROUGH THE CHURCH DOORS AND SHOUT AT YOUR COFFIN, "YOU DID NOT SEE 12 COPS GET OUT OF A VW BUG!!!!!!!!"
GOD IT HAS BEEN SEVEN YEARS AND I AM STILL SO ANGRY ABOUT THIS!!!!!!