if you’re a new north american hockey fan and you keep hearing all these weird terms that don’t seem to make sense or have any application to a buncha humans with knives on their feet, no fear! “i am hockey (and you can too!)” is here.

some days you gotta throw down. 

let’s talk about how to score goals, how to judge people and rank them in order of Best Butt Player, and how to look cool at NHL parties. in other words, WHO WANTS TO GET DRUNK ON HOCKEY??

you love your goalie. you protect your goalie.

but like, you are probably at least a little afraid of your goalie.

every summer since 1963, all 30 teams in the NHL go to the nearest 7/11 and buy a Mega Millions ticket. then they put a bunch of 18-year-olds in a room and watch them fight to the death. last man standing wins the calder award and everyone goes home. nobody knows what happens to the mega millions ticket, but gary bettman buys a new boat and has very shiny shoes.

baseball people are all like, “haha, you call those fancy stats?” and we’re all like, “SHUT UP, NERD.”

it's like this: players at the top of the chart are playing against literal wild bears. players at the bottom of the chart are playing against two old ladies who have lost their glasses.