in hindsight, honestly, i'm MORE surprised it didn't happen sooner. back when i lived with my dad, until i was 10 or so, we used to go skiing every (almost every??? many???? idk, i’m bad at time intervals) winter vacation. my dad’s family unit (brother-sister-stepmom-dad) was very athletic. my brother and sister were always doing Sport Things. i was not always doing Sport Things. i couldn’t catch a Sport Ball if you put superglue on my hands. Exasperated Coaches &; Me, A

good news: your family has to love you no matter what. 1. DEFINITELY wait until the very last minute to do everything, including putting your new insurance card in you car which is parked basically in INDIANA, taking out your trash and all your recycling, cleaning your apartment, mending a skirt, scrubbing at dishes that still have food on them because, inexplicably, you didn’t rinse them before putting them in the dishwasher, what were you thinking???? c’mon, man. this is ro

i'm sorry, paul. DISCLAIMER: i have no memory of this story. this is just a story that has been told to me SO MANY TIMES that quite frankly i’m not sure whether i remember bits of it or if i’ve just been incepted. so my grandparents used to have a house in jamaica (my grandparents lived… a very different life… than i live). for a while my nana started semi-permanently living there, and my mom was like, “you know what’s better than being in america??? BEING IN JAMAICA, YO MO

she was stone cold. the woman has ice in her veins. around christmastime a few years ago—let’s say 5 years? maybe 6? i don’t know, some time between 2005 and 2010. this morning i referred to something that happened when i was four as “the other day,” so don’t ask me these things—i was spending christmas with my father and his side of the family. MY FATHER’S FAMILY, A 2005ish to 2010ish RETROSPECTIVE: my dad, a 6’4 Mister Dad, who just looks like he should be wearing a tweed s

i know my mother loves me. but. so obviously the problem with listening to country music too much is that it is a constant reminder of my wayward youth growing up on a farm in virginia, and all the stupid shit i used to get up to while my poor mother ran after me waving her hands in the air shouting things like, "why are there eggs on the garage door????" and, "HOW did you end up in LOUISA COUNTY??? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE IN SCHOOL," and, "YOU'RE GOING TO GET THE PLAGUE IF YOU

i was a terrible bartender, and everybody knew it. when i lived in spain, i worked as a “bartender” in madrid. i put “bartender” in quotation marks because my boss fernando trusted me with literally nothing but cleaning glasses and occasionally a CLOSELY SUPERVISED mojito. the bar was called “la chocita sueca,” which basically means “the swedish hut,” but can also, as far as i can tell, mean something VERY DIFFERENT and vERY RUDE. this led to a lot of general confusion from t

the problem with pay-per-view is that you have to pay per view. so here’s a fun story about the first wives club. guess who loves this movie? me! i do! i love this movie. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i saw “first wives club 2” on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAH!! FIRST WIVES CLUB TWO!! NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUEL!!! here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2: disgruntled first wives take their ex-husbands’ new lovers under their wing